An amazing mom that I met in Denver posted this on her facebook. I and another amazing mom commented on it. It's the best way to get an idea of what goes through a mom in the NICU ( Neonatal Intensive Care Unit ) head everyday.
CAN YOU IMAGINE???
Imagine the doctors telling you everything will be fine, that they can stop the labor, and then imagine, just a few hours later, them telling you that you that even with the drug therapies they have you you to try and stop the labor your body has dilated to 5cm and there is nothing they can do. You could not hold back your tears your baby is coming, there is nothing you can do to stop it,,,,,she may not survive the day……just one week ago this day was just supposed to be a normal unventful day. Your whole life is turning upside right in front of you.
Imagine finding out the sex of your baby and being thankful because you have read statistically preemie girls develop faster than boys.
Imagine being told by your doctor that getting to 34 weeks is great, 32 weeks is good, 30 weeks is okay and anything before you need to pray……imagine how many prayers we sent to God for our 26 weeker.
Imagine being told that your baby has an 85% of survival.
Imagine being told your baby won't cry when born.
Imagine hearing that baby cry and believing everything you have been told was wrong.
Imagine watching your baby lying there so helpless, so still, and on life support and blaming yourself, digging through everything you might have done to cause this to your baby…..imagine how hard it is to actually believe that it was not something you did, that it was completely out of your control, that you did everything right and as best you could….and still you feel that it is all your fault. Nothing the doctors or nurses say can console you.
Imagine wondering If your husband is secretly resentful or blames you. When he looks at you with tears in his eyes you worry that is what he is thinking
Imagine being scared to ask to hold your baby because mentally you can't handle the possibility of a no so you wait patiently for 16 days for a nurse to offer the opportunity. So until then you hold her hand every day all day long and firmly place your hand on her head….and there you sit praying & questioning God.
Imagine holding your baby for the first time while on life support with tubes, hoses, and wires everywhere keeping her alive, wondering if this was allowed because her situation was getting more critical and it may be the only time you get to hold her while she is alive. The looks in the doctor’s eyes were not encouraging and holding her was so hard…not knowing if it was the first and last time holding her was so damn hard
Imagine sitting next to her and knowing something just isn't right, telling the nurses and being assured by them everything is fine...then hearing the alarms as her stats start to drop and her color starts to fade, you stand up to get out of the way as nurses and doctors come running in. There you are in the corner watching them resuscitate your baby, panicked that there is nothing you can do and to scared to move. Please God dont take her from me is all you can think, I cant do this, God I want to run away. Imagine her pulling through and how thankful you are.....then Imagine doing this on several occasions, wondering each time if she will pull through, and asking God why he is doing this to you.
Imagine the conflicting feelings when the doctors are telling you that everything will be ok with tears in their eyes……..
Imagine watching a machine help your baby survive everyday for 2 months because she can not breathe on her own.
Imagine every time your phone rang, your heart drops and you get choked up because it could be life or death.
Imagine having a baby but going home without one.
Imagine having to plea with your baby that if she can hold on you will make all her dreams come true.
Imagine seeing other parents losing their babies around you and having your heart ripped out, for you see them living the thing that you fear the most….when they lost a baby a peace of you dies too and you become even more scared and nervous to leave your babies side. You learn quickly that nothing but the moment you are in is promised and that one day they can be fine and thriving, and the next day taken from you. Imagine how many tears were cried for babies that weren’t even yours. The NICU world is so hard.
Imagine feeling like three months of your first pregnancy was stolen from you and her. Imagine mourning the loss of those three months
Imagine feeling jealous of women that you would see who were pregnant and about as far along as you would be during the months that you were supposed to be pregnant.
Imagine hanging on to the dream of being able to breast feed someday. So you stay dedicated to pumping every 2 hours day and night to keep up milk supply (even though leaving your very very critical babies side is the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do in your entire life). Imagine sitting in the pump room tears pouring down while pumping because you only wanted to be with her, but you so badly wanted to breastfeed like a normal mom when you got home and so you were torn between the hopes that she would make it and the fears that she would not……questioning if you are losing precious time with her). Imagine holding one of her blankets while you pumped a dreaming it was her (nurses told you to do this to also help with milk supply). As your baby has set backs the stress slows milk and the fear of leaving your babies side takes over your desire breastfeeding in the future, you start to wonder if there is a future for her or if this is where it ends. You just can’t leave her side anymore to pump for 30min at a time to only get a few ml, you feel that you cant leave for anything, not for anything, not even to take care of yourself. You have your hopes to hang on to but your fears are taking over and you would rather be safe than sorry so you give up your dream of breastfeeding and tell yourself….as long as she makes it home then that’s really what matters. At least she got three months worth of breast milk. At least I tried until I just had nothing left. Then you remind yourself that nothing about this pregnancy was normal and you somehow try to find peace in that.
Imagine hearing critical beeps in the room and secretly thanking God it was not your baby, then feeling guilty because you would never really want that for anyone else’s baby either.
Imagine pleading with God, that if he had to take your baby, that he would please take you instead. Imagine doing this every day from the moment you wake up until the moment you fall asleep.
Imagine being told by the nurses to get out and do something that it’s no healthy being in the hospital that much and then thinking to yourself, “If I had a full term baby and just walked out for a few hours what kind of mom would I be?”, “my baby is not full term, each day is not promised, every single minute is a gift, I will not leave her side for anything, this is all borrowed time, she needs me there by her side, she needs her mommy, I need her, I need to be sure she is taken care of, I need to make sure she is safe, I want her to feel love, to feel something besides the hospital, I don’t want her to ever feel alone, I don’t want her to feel like she has to go through this by herself, my job was to be by her side she was everything to me, my life, my dreams, my hopes,,,there is no where else I would rather be than by her side WHEREVER that may be”
Imagine being to exhausted and too in shock to cry……… for days and days and days. When it finally catches up you lay on the shower floor crying until you just can’t breathe, wishing the water would wash you down the drain.
Imagine waking up each and every day and for one second wondering, is this really happening? Was that just a bad dream? Am I still pregnant? looking down with your hands on your tummy……….. you do not feel her kicking around inside of you…..crushed and holding back your tears you pull your bootstraps up and you get ready for another day at the hospital cheering her on…believing in your heart that she just has to be one of the ones that makes it,,, even when the doctors aren’t looking so hopeful.
Imagine wanting to show off your proudest accomplishment and not being able to because her immune system could not handle it.
Imagine waiting till you reached your car for the tears to fall because your baby needs you to keep it together for them.
Imagine thinking that life will be normal once your baby is home to find out this was just the beginning of the journey.
Imagine having a micro preemie?
Can you imagine?
Our comments
An amazing mom I met wrote this
Imagine going in at 34 weeks for a regular check up and being told you arnt going home.
Imagine haveing a perfect 4lb 11oz baby girl then you go to lunch and the doc come and get you from the caferteria to tell you your baby is sick and will need sugery.
Imagine just being released form the hospital after 4 days of bedrest (after the baby) and being told you baby is bing flown to Denver.... See More
Imagine bening moved up to the Grad. NICU and told you will be home in less then a week and the next day be told that your baby has to have heart sugery the next day.
Imagine a 4lb 11oz baby being a BIG baby!!
Imagine being told once again that you will be home in 2 weeks and that same day going back down to level 3 NICU.
Imagine haveing a baby with only leads before sugery and then never comming off 3lt. Vapo.
Imagine a surgeon so kind to have you over to his house for Thanksgiving with his wife and kids that he olny gets to see a few times a year.
Imagine seeing your baby start to hold toys and play a few days before she goes in for open heart sugery.
Imagine being told her sugery will take 4-6hrs and sitting in the waiting room for 12hrs.
Iamgine a surgeron of 20 years telling you that he never would have thought your baby would need ECMO (a portable heart lung machine that demands someone 24/7 to run it)
Imagine a sugeron saying he wont even say whet he thinks she will do in front of her because every time he did she did the oppisite.
Imagine being told there is a 40% chance of makeing it off of ECMO.
Imagine being happy that you baby is only on 11 different drugs.
Imagine your baby comming off ECMO!!!!
Imagine at 8:00am being told how well your baby is and how they are gong to remove some tubes and wires, "everything today is a step in the right direction" and you go pump, eat and come back to destats and yelling. Then a sugeron huging you and saying "Go call Jeffrey" (baby daddy)
Imagine stepping out to call and hearing code bule for your baby.
Imagine seeing all they nurses and Docs you have come to know running to save your baby.
Imagine seeing nurses taking turn doing chest compressions on your baby.
Imagine seeing the sugeron that yohave seen every day, that you have gorwn to love comming in with tears in his eyes to tell you that your baby has passed.
Imagine sending home the father of your child on Saturday saying that everything is going to be fine the next time you see her she will be all smiles and coos, and then have the sugeron answer his call to tell him she is gone.
Imagine holding your child for the first time with no cords or tube when she is ice cold.
Imagine comming home to all her stuff ready her the day she passed.
Imagine trying to continue on after the one thing you prayed and wished for your whole life was taken from you.
Imagine doing everything you can to make sure you have a healthy baby just to lose her after 3 short months.
Imagine getting up and ready to go to your own babies funeral.
Imagine metting some of the best people in such a scarry place.
My comments
Imagine having to send your daughter away to relitives in another state so you can sit with your baby in a hospital
Imagine tears running down your face during the day as you watch your baby boy struggle and crying at night for the daughter you can't kiss goonight
Imagine having a healthy preguant women tell you she knows how you feel because she's pregaunt and it's excatly the same... See More
Imagine having everyone ask you "what went wrong?" several times a day and thinking " I wish I knew."
Imagine having the "healthy" preemie and feeling guilty for celebrating when the baby next to you barely hanging on
Imagine sitting a hard chair for hours just staring at your child trying to figure out if he looks a little blue
Imagine being in a NICU long enough you know what the alarms mean and know which baby isn't going to make it
Imagine sitting next to a baby everyday for a month and never seeing a parent come in and it struggles
Imagine holding your baby for the first time when he 3 weeks old and being overjoyed and terrifed at the same time becuase you told God "just let me hold him once before you take him if your going to" and wondering if this is the only time your hold him.
Imagine taking your baby to another angel's funeral and holding your baby close as you cry for another mother
Imagine being ready to pass out one minute and laughing the next because your baby pulled out a blood transfusion tube and covered himself in your sister-in-law's blood.
Imagine saying goodbye to your baby and not being able to kiss him as the lifelfight crew takes him away to a hospital in another state and you have to stay behind in a different hospital
I hope this give some insight into the NICU, so when you hear of someone having a baby in the NICU you can understand a little better what their going through.
